I'm at work so, of course, I'm doing my thinking and I have so many thoughts going through my head, but when I sit here to jot them all down they somehow disappear into thin air.
I keep thinking about my oldest daughter and the possibility of her having a learning disability. Like I stated in my previous post, if that's what it is I'm ok with it, we'll get through it. What I'm having a hard time with is that I let it go on this long. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom and I know I'm not the perfect mom, I'm not the mom who cooks and bakes with her child (and that's only because I just can't stand the idea of cooking or baking). I want to be the mom that my child is never afraid to come to, the one who says to all her friends, my mom is the greatest. I want my daughters to never be afraid to come to me and talk about things, anything. Boys, school, prom, issues with friends....anything, anything at all. I will never say "I can't talk now, I'm busy"
I want to do so much with my girls and sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on so much with them because I work full-time. I have told my oldest daughter numerous times that she should never count on anyone to take care of her, she should be able to take care of herself. I want to lead by example. I have no issues with those moms who do get to stay home with their children. Kudos to you, but for me, it's not for me. I know me and I know that if I didn't work I would become this lazy, fat person who would sit on the couch eating and watching reality tv. By working I'm making myself get out and move about, plus I'm earning my own paycheck and showing my daughters that you can do whatever you want. Yes, things do get neglected and there are days when I get home and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I have to get up again, but that's my life. I always have time to hug and kiss them and tell them that I love them. I always have time to ask how their day was and to look over my daughters homework (even though I may not understand it) and I always find time to help her study for any upcoming tests or quizzes. Hell, I'm learning French right along with her this year, who would have thought? My me time is what gets neglected and I won't even mention how the laundry may not get done weeks at a time because that is one job I can choose to ignore forever. Sometimes I get upset that I have no me time, but that's no one faults. I sure don't take it out on my babies, they didn't ask to be here, I chose that for them. Besides, I tell myself there will be a time when my house is empty because my girls will be grown and on their own and I'll have all the"me time" I want but deep down I'll be missing them like crazy and wishing to turn the clock back just a few more years.
I love my girls and I know they have no idea how proud I am to be their mom. I love watching them sleep and I pray that they have no worries going through their heads. I can't stop them from ever feeling pain, but I hope I teach them well enough that whenever they may experience they know that they can always come to me. My arms will always be open to them.
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