Feb. 13, 2011

It's been awhile and it's not like I have nothing to say, it's just too hard to come on here and write with my 18 month old.

The Packers won Super Bowl XLV and I just can't believe it. I never expected them to go to the Super Bowl and as a six seed in the NFC they get through it all and win. Way to go, Packers!!

Every once in awhile I will start thinking of the births of my girls. I was 28 when McKenna was born and 38 when Addison was born. When I was pregnant with McKenna it was a normal pregnancy. I had morning sickness, but nothing else. I went about my 9 months relatively easy. It was only toward the last few weeks of my pregnancy that I finally said, "this is enough, if she doesn't come soon I'm going to pull her out myself?" I had my first contraction at 7:10pm on my drive home from work (my first thought was, if this is what labor is like I'm ok with it-it was my first pregnancy and what did I know) I went to my mom's, told her to get ready because I knew this was it. My mom and I went to my house, I took a shower, got my bag ready, called the doctors office and was told to go to the hospital. (All day I was leaking fluid and was told that it was probably my mucus plug-again, first pregnancy, didn't know anything). I even drove myself to the hospital and that was about 30 minutes away. Got into my room I believe around 10:00pm that night. When the contractions became too much I asked for an epidural and after that everything was wonderful, I felt absolutely no pain, but about 6:30am that morning I was told to push and for 20 minutes I pushed and at 6:50am my first born, my daughter, the girl who made me a mom was born. I may not have felt any pain after the epidural, but I was involved in her birth and I loved it. 10 years later I get pregnant with my second child, I was happy because I always wanted 2 children, I wasn't happy with just one, I always pictured myself with 2 children. Of course I was going to start over again, but I didn't care, I was going to have my 2nd child. Of course this pregnancy was totally different, I said early on in my pregnancy that these 2 children were going to be the total opposite. I rarely got sick (I threw up a handful of times), but I was tired all.the.time. I still don't know how I went to work every.single.day, I am still amazed by it after all this time. However, this pregnancy I developed diabetes, I lost weight, I didn't gain weight, they had me on high blood pressure medicine and I was going to the doctor every week alot sooner than you normally go. I had ultrasounds every week and the doctor told me that I would not go past her due date which was Sept. 3. During one of my many ultrasounds I was told that if she fell below the 10 percentile I would have to give birth because it would be better for her to be born than. That day came on August 3, 2009. I remember sitting in the room waiting for the doctor and her first words to me as she walked in the room was " You're going to have the baby this Wednesday, the placenta is no longer giving her any nutrients " My baby fell below the 10 percentile and as afraid as I was to have a cesarean I knew I had to do it for my girl. We had to be there about 5:30am to get ready for the surgery. I remember walking to the operating room, I remember them putting the epidural in and laying down on the table and them strapping me to the table. I remember hearing the nurses count the instruments (and there were a lot of them) I remember feeling cold and yet they had blankets on me, I remember shaking and going through the dry heaves as the drug doctor held the bowl for me to throw up in. I faintly remember the sheet that was in front of me. I remember Dave sitting next to me and I remember staring at the machine that showed my stats. I remember laying there wondering when they were going to start because I hated laying on that table with my arms strapped to it and all I wanted was to get out of there and see my baby. I remember wondering where is my doctor, why isn't she here. I remember here a sucking sound and my doctor telling me that it was a machine sucking the water and I remember thinking "Wow, they already have me cut open and I didn't feel anything" What I don't remember arethe contractions, the fingers checking how far dialated I was, hearing the nurse or doctor telling me to push as they counted to 10, I don't remember any of that because I didn't get to experience that with my second daughter and it's been 18 months since she was born and I still feel like I missed out on all of that. I have given birth both ways and I would never want to experience a ceasarean again because everything is taken away from you. As a woman we are suppose to be a part of giving birth to our children, that was my job, but it was taken away from me and I missed it. I love my daughter and I'm grateful she's here and I would do it all again if I had to and I knew it was the best for her because I can only imagine what would have happened if I didn't have her when I did, but I feel robbed with her birth. The doctor did everything, I just laid strapped to that table. I feel cheated.

Ramblings for December 19, 2010

It's been awhile since my last post and it's not like I don't have anything to say, I do, it's just that I have a little 16 month old who demands all of my attention. She has become such a momma's girl it's insane. I know that I may complain now and wish I could have 5 minutes to do something without her crying and wanting me to lift her up and I know that one day it's going to stop and I may not notice it right away, that it may take some time for me to wonder "Why isn't Addi glued to my side, where could she be?" and I'll than notice that she is playing by herself and she doesn't need her mom as much anymore and at that moment I'm going to want my little girl back. You can never win and so even though I will continue to wish for just 5 minutes, I'm still going to pick up my girl and love her up because that's what she's going to remember. We're here to make memories for them. I want my girls to grow up and say I remember my mom doing this for us and it was great. I want them to be proud that I'm their mom, if it's only half of how proud I am to be their mom.

They have tested McKenna for a learning disability and even though I don't think she has it, I think it's just that she doesn't push herself hard enough. I just want to know because If I didn't ask them to test her I would never know and always wonder. I have a meeting with them on Tuesday and hopefully I will have some answers than.

Addison says a few words now. Her list is (these are words she says on a regular basis or words she has said, but doesn't say all the time).

1. mama

2. dada

3. hot

4. dog

5. hi

6. bye

7. up

I have heard her say baba this weekend for the first time. The list may not be large, but those are 7 words that McKenna never said at her age. Even though I doubt she will have a speech delay like her sister I still wonder if she will.

Yesterday Addison and I went Christmas shopping and she was fine until the end. She had a complete meltdown and started crying and screaming in the store and so my shopping fun was over. We went home and stayed. She didn't take her afternoon nap and it took a toll on her. The girl has a set of lungs on her and she is not afraid to use them. She's taking a nap now so hopefully no meltdown tonight.

She's sleeping through the night now (Thank you, God) It only took about 15 months for that to happen and I have come to learn that this child does not favor the mornings. She is the last one up now and when she does get up, leave her alone, she does not want to be bothered by anyone except that she wants to be in mom's arms. It becomes a little challenging during the week when I have to get ready for work. I try to get up earlier than her so I can be done when she wakes up, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't.

I have the next two weeks off of work and I am go going to enjoy it. I live for this time of the year. I have to get up early for just 3 of those days because McKenna still has 3 days left of school, but after that I'm sleeping in with my little one.

I'm making Christmas dinner and I've invited my sister, dad and his girlfriend over. It should be nice. I have a little more shopping to do, hopefully I can get that done this week without another meltdown.

I have to pay the tax bill for my house. I'm going to get a little over $5.00 back. YIPPEE!!

I want to do a little Christmas baking with my girls this week, also. Alot to do, but it should be fun.

That's it for now.

Oct. 5, 2010

Saturday was Dave's birthday and we always take each other out to eat for our birthdays (my birthday is exactly 4 weeks after his) so I thought I would surprise him by taking him to a restuarant that he's never been to. I took Dave to Popeye's in Lake Geneva. My mom came, picked up Addison (McKenna was already with her) and off we went. It's only a 40 minute drive from home. Lake Geneva is mostly a tourist town and I really didn't expect it to be busy because it is October, but I was wrong. We had to drive around a bit to find some parking and when we find a parking spot it was not to far from the restuarant. I thought we would have to wait, but we got seated right away. I requested to sit by the window because across the street is a beautiful lake. We had a nice lunch there and Dave enjoyed it. After we ate we went to two stores and than headed home. Dave is not one who likes to go shopping. We picked up the girls and went home. It was nice.

Addison has had a rash on her butt for about a week and a half and we tried everything for her, we even changed diapers but nothing was working so we took her to the doctor on Saturday to find out that she has a yeast infection. The doctor called in a prescription for us so we picked that up for her. It doesn't seem to hurt her when you change her diaper but it is extremely red. She's been on the medicine for 2 days now and it's still red and if you touch her butt the wrong way she cries now. My mom says to wait and give it a chance, but I don't want to hear my baby cry. The doctor did say if it doesn't work we can try an oral medicine. I'll wait, but not for long.

McKenna is not doing so well in school and I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall with her. I looked through her bookbag and I find papers in there from French and there are so many red marks on there that I get so upset with her and I start yelling. I shouldn't do that, I know I shouldn't, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I tell her to bring her notes home everyday, study those notes. I don't know what to do. I can't wait to talk to her teachers. I want answers, I want to know what I can do. I look at her math homework, I tell her that she has some of them wrong and to correct them and all she says "My teacher helped me with it" well, it's wrong, correct it. She has no initiative. Every day I tell her how important school is, how important it is to learn and get an education, how it will pay off when she gets older and I just don't know if it's getting through to her. If she does have a learning disability, ok, I can understand, but if she doesn't than I don't know what to do.

Only 22 days before we leave for Disney to celebrate my birthday and Halloween there. Can't wait.

Until later.

Sept. 22, 2010

Politics......There are 2 reasons why I really don't talk about politics:

1. I'm not a real big political person. I only know so much about it and that's saying alot. I do have a favorite party and I do vote for a certain party and that's because I believe in what they believe in, but could I ever sit down with someone and spend hours talking about it? No, I'm just not that informed.

2. It only leads to arguments if you're talking to someone who doesn't believe the same way you do

and this is what leads me to this topic.

The following Tuesday we all voted for the primaries and the Saturday before my dad calls me up and asks if I'm going to vote. I told him "of course I am" and than he asks me who am I going to vote for and I reply "isn't that a little personal?" I know where this is going and I just don't want to go there. I ask him who he is voting for and and he replies "for the Democrats" and I said "well, I'm voting for the Republicans" Well, it is my fault for saying that because I knew he would go on a spree of yelling and telling me how wrong I am and he told me that if the Republicans get into office I'll be lucky if I can find a part time job. After 15-20 minutes of arguing I said to him, "Dad, I'm not wrong in believing what I believe and neither are you, can't you just accept that?" Obviously he can't because I haven't talked to him since. I know Democrats, I know Republicans but I have never sat down with a Democrat and argued with them (except for my father) about how wrong they are because I'm a big believer in letting people be and believe in what they choose. Don't try to change my mind and I won't try to change yours. I never was one who tried to convert someone to my side of beliveing and I never will be. I will sit down and listen to what you have to say (this is about anything in life) because I'm interested in why you believe what you believe and I will take your thoughts and inputs into consideration, but in the end it really is up to me, I make the final decision.

All politicans are liars, we just have to choose the better liar.


On to other things.............

Only one more day of work and than I'm off for a long weekend (vacation Friday and Monday). My two girls, mom, Clarence and I are going to go to the Cranberry Festival in Warren, WI. It's a 3 day event of people from all over selling crafts and what nots. I don't go on Friday because my daughter is in school and I'm not going to take her out of school for that so when school is over my two girls and I will drive up to Wisconsin Dells and meet my mom and Clarence at our hotel. This year we're staying at Mt. Olympus; we always stayed at the Wilderness, but Mt Olympus has 70% off of their rooms so how could I deny that? Of course there's a water park there, but Ms. Addi will not like it, but McKenna should have fun. On Sunday they have a parade and some of the people throw candy to the kids on the sides and McKenna likes it so we go for that and after that we head home. This will be Addisons first time there so we'll see how she does. It's the car ride I'm not looking forward to, but I know before I leave I am going to have to adjust her carseat straps.

I believe I'm getting some of my energy back and I am so happy with that. When I got pregnant with Addison I lost all my energy. I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I could sleep all day and I felt like I haven't slept in a week. I would sit on the couch thinking of all the things I wanted to do, but I just couldn't do it. Well, Addison is 13 months old and I'm finally feeling some of that energy come back. I actually cleaned out part of my daughters closet tonight. That is just unheard of for me, especially on a week day when I have work the following day because on those days I just want to unwind and relax before I go back to work the next day.

I'm getting tired and I have to get up in about 6 hours. Only 8 more hours of work.

Until later.

Sept. 16, 2010

Wow, I'm on a roll here. 2 posts in 2 days.

I'm at work so, of course, I'm doing my thinking and I have so many thoughts going through my head, but when I sit here to jot them all down they somehow disappear into thin air.

I keep thinking about my oldest daughter and the possibility of her having a learning disability. Like I stated in my previous post, if that's what it is I'm ok with it, we'll get through it. What I'm having a hard time with is that I let it go on this long. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom and I know I'm not the perfect mom, I'm not the mom who cooks and bakes with her child (and that's only because I just can't stand the idea of cooking or baking). I want to be the mom that my child is never afraid to come to, the one who says to all her friends, my mom is the greatest. I want my daughters to never be afraid to come to me and talk about things, anything. Boys, school, prom, issues with friends....anything, anything at all. I will never say "I can't talk now, I'm busy"

I want to do so much with my girls and sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on so much with them because I work full-time. I have told my oldest daughter numerous times that she should never count on anyone to take care of her, she should be able to take care of herself. I want to lead by example. I have no issues with those moms who do get to stay home with their children. Kudos to you, but for me, it's not for me. I know me and I know that if I didn't work I would become this lazy, fat person who would sit on the couch eating and watching reality tv. By working I'm making myself get out and move about, plus I'm earning my own paycheck and showing my daughters that you can do whatever you want. Yes, things do get neglected and there are days when I get home and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I have to get up again, but that's my life. I always have time to hug and kiss them and tell them that I love them. I always have time to ask how their day was and to look over my daughters homework (even though I may not understand it) and I always find time to help her study for any upcoming tests or quizzes. Hell, I'm learning French right along with her this year, who would have thought? My me time is what gets neglected and I won't even mention how the laundry may not get done weeks at a time because that is one job I can choose to ignore forever. Sometimes I get upset that I have no me time, but that's no one faults. I sure don't take it out on my babies, they didn't ask to be here, I chose that for them. Besides, I tell myself there will be a time when my house is empty because my girls will be grown and on their own and I'll have all the"me time" I want but deep down I'll be missing them like crazy and wishing to turn the clock back just a few more years.

I love my girls and I know they have no idea how proud I am to be their mom. I love watching them sleep and I pray that they have no worries going through their heads. I can't stop them from ever feeling pain, but I hope I teach them well enough that whenever they may experience they know that they can always come to me. My arms will always be open to them.

Sept. 15, 2010

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bad mom. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough. Talking to a co-worker at work today about my oldest daughter and her issues with school he has put the thought in my head that maybe she has a learning disability. She's 11 years old, in the sixth grade, if she does have a learning disability how terrible am I for letting this go on this long? When we go over her homework (and it's been a long time since I've been in school and so much has changed) I get frustrated with her when I don't understand it and I ask her to explain it to me and she can't or she'll point to her answer and say it's right, my teacher told me, but I'll ask her again to explain it to me and all she'll say is that's what the teacher said. So, I'm going to look into her getting evaluated, I don't know how I'm going to do this but I know I have to do something. I love this girl, she owns half my heart (her sister owns the other half) and there's nothing on God's green earth I wouldn't do for either one of them. She's a good kid, she really is and it breaks my heart when I get frustrated and I yell at her. I don't want to yell, I don't want to get frustrated because really, it's not doing either one of us any good. I want the best for her, I want to give her the world. If she does have a learning disability I can handle that, we can work on that, but if it's not that ( and the more I think about it it just has to be that) I'll do whatever has to be done.

Sept. 13, 2010

I called into work today. On Saturday I must have pulled a muscle in my neck while sleeping. Dave had to help me get out of bed Saturday and Sunday morning. I thought I was feeling better by Sunday night, but during the night I could NOT lift my head up, I had to wake Dave up at one point to move Addison over, I just couldn't do it. I rolled myself out of bed at 5:00am to wash my hair and the pain that went through me as I had my head bent over was just terrible. I knew I couldn't go to work like that, how could I drive? I could hardly turn my head sideways. I woke Dave up at 6:30am and told him that he had to take McKenna to school because I was just too afraid to drive. Not to mention the killer headache I all of a sudden had to get this morning. I took 2 aspirins and waited and waited and nothing was happening so two hours later I took 2 more aspirins and the headache finally went away. My neck is feeling better and I know that I will have to go to work tomorrow whether I like it or not. I really do hate calling into work, I really do. I know they count on you to be there and besides, what I don't use for my personal time they pay me for it in January, so by the end of October I will have 2 of my 5 days spent. Oh well, I'm there 99.9% of the time anyway, what is one day? Like Dave said "You have to take care of yourself, your job won't", but it still doesn't make for the guilty feeling to go away.

Saturday Dave and I took McKenna to the library because they had a scavengar hunt there for the kids and it was fun doing that and she enjoyed it. When she completed it they gave her a pencil and a bookmarker for doing it. We took Addison, also and it was kind of funny because one little boy told me that Addison is a cute little girl. I was just kind of taken back because another child told me that and it was a boy. It was sweet of him to say that. His mom is doing a great job with him.

44 days before we leave for Disney World, now we have to pay for it (Yuck!) Addison's first trip on the airplane. I hope she's ok with it. I'm kind of getting excited for it because it's going to be my last trip there for a while. I did tell mom that the next time we go I want it to be just my girls and me. I have to call AAA to pay for our trip because you have to pay the balance within 45 days of your trip and noone has called me to do that. I don't want to lose out on my reservations.

My oldest daughter this morning said to me "Now I have to worry about you today while I'm at school" and I told her that she does not have to worry about me, that I'll be ok. She is such a mother hen and she has a heart of gold. God loves her and so do I. Oh, yes, I get angry with her, but my love for her (and her sister) grow more and more each day. I love being a mother.

Well, that's it for now. I just have to download my one picture per entry now.