Ramblings for December 19, 2010

It's been awhile since my last post and it's not like I don't have anything to say, I do, it's just that I have a little 16 month old who demands all of my attention. She has become such a momma's girl it's insane. I know that I may complain now and wish I could have 5 minutes to do something without her crying and wanting me to lift her up and I know that one day it's going to stop and I may not notice it right away, that it may take some time for me to wonder "Why isn't Addi glued to my side, where could she be?" and I'll than notice that she is playing by herself and she doesn't need her mom as much anymore and at that moment I'm going to want my little girl back. You can never win and so even though I will continue to wish for just 5 minutes, I'm still going to pick up my girl and love her up because that's what she's going to remember. We're here to make memories for them. I want my girls to grow up and say I remember my mom doing this for us and it was great. I want them to be proud that I'm their mom, if it's only half of how proud I am to be their mom.

They have tested McKenna for a learning disability and even though I don't think she has it, I think it's just that she doesn't push herself hard enough. I just want to know because If I didn't ask them to test her I would never know and always wonder. I have a meeting with them on Tuesday and hopefully I will have some answers than.

Addison says a few words now. Her list is (these are words she says on a regular basis or words she has said, but doesn't say all the time).

1. mama

2. dada

3. hot

4. dog

5. hi

6. bye

7. up

I have heard her say baba this weekend for the first time. The list may not be large, but those are 7 words that McKenna never said at her age. Even though I doubt she will have a speech delay like her sister I still wonder if she will.

Yesterday Addison and I went Christmas shopping and she was fine until the end. She had a complete meltdown and started crying and screaming in the store and so my shopping fun was over. We went home and stayed. She didn't take her afternoon nap and it took a toll on her. The girl has a set of lungs on her and she is not afraid to use them. She's taking a nap now so hopefully no meltdown tonight.

She's sleeping through the night now (Thank you, God) It only took about 15 months for that to happen and I have come to learn that this child does not favor the mornings. She is the last one up now and when she does get up, leave her alone, she does not want to be bothered by anyone except that she wants to be in mom's arms. It becomes a little challenging during the week when I have to get ready for work. I try to get up earlier than her so I can be done when she wakes up, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't.

I have the next two weeks off of work and I am go going to enjoy it. I live for this time of the year. I have to get up early for just 3 of those days because McKenna still has 3 days left of school, but after that I'm sleeping in with my little one.

I'm making Christmas dinner and I've invited my sister, dad and his girlfriend over. It should be nice. I have a little more shopping to do, hopefully I can get that done this week without another meltdown.

I have to pay the tax bill for my house. I'm going to get a little over $5.00 back. YIPPEE!!

I want to do a little Christmas baking with my girls this week, also. Alot to do, but it should be fun.

That's it for now.

Oct. 5, 2010

Saturday was Dave's birthday and we always take each other out to eat for our birthdays (my birthday is exactly 4 weeks after his) so I thought I would surprise him by taking him to a restuarant that he's never been to. I took Dave to Popeye's in Lake Geneva. My mom came, picked up Addison (McKenna was already with her) and off we went. It's only a 40 minute drive from home. Lake Geneva is mostly a tourist town and I really didn't expect it to be busy because it is October, but I was wrong. We had to drive around a bit to find some parking and when we find a parking spot it was not to far from the restuarant. I thought we would have to wait, but we got seated right away. I requested to sit by the window because across the street is a beautiful lake. We had a nice lunch there and Dave enjoyed it. After we ate we went to two stores and than headed home. Dave is not one who likes to go shopping. We picked up the girls and went home. It was nice.

Addison has had a rash on her butt for about a week and a half and we tried everything for her, we even changed diapers but nothing was working so we took her to the doctor on Saturday to find out that she has a yeast infection. The doctor called in a prescription for us so we picked that up for her. It doesn't seem to hurt her when you change her diaper but it is extremely red. She's been on the medicine for 2 days now and it's still red and if you touch her butt the wrong way she cries now. My mom says to wait and give it a chance, but I don't want to hear my baby cry. The doctor did say if it doesn't work we can try an oral medicine. I'll wait, but not for long.

McKenna is not doing so well in school and I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall with her. I looked through her bookbag and I find papers in there from French and there are so many red marks on there that I get so upset with her and I start yelling. I shouldn't do that, I know I shouldn't, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I tell her to bring her notes home everyday, study those notes. I don't know what to do. I can't wait to talk to her teachers. I want answers, I want to know what I can do. I look at her math homework, I tell her that she has some of them wrong and to correct them and all she says "My teacher helped me with it" well, it's wrong, correct it. She has no initiative. Every day I tell her how important school is, how important it is to learn and get an education, how it will pay off when she gets older and I just don't know if it's getting through to her. If she does have a learning disability, ok, I can understand, but if she doesn't than I don't know what to do.

Only 22 days before we leave for Disney to celebrate my birthday and Halloween there. Can't wait.

Until later.

Sept. 22, 2010

Politics......There are 2 reasons why I really don't talk about politics:

1. I'm not a real big political person. I only know so much about it and that's saying alot. I do have a favorite party and I do vote for a certain party and that's because I believe in what they believe in, but could I ever sit down with someone and spend hours talking about it? No, I'm just not that informed.

2. It only leads to arguments if you're talking to someone who doesn't believe the same way you do

and this is what leads me to this topic.

The following Tuesday we all voted for the primaries and the Saturday before my dad calls me up and asks if I'm going to vote. I told him "of course I am" and than he asks me who am I going to vote for and I reply "isn't that a little personal?" I know where this is going and I just don't want to go there. I ask him who he is voting for and and he replies "for the Democrats" and I said "well, I'm voting for the Republicans" Well, it is my fault for saying that because I knew he would go on a spree of yelling and telling me how wrong I am and he told me that if the Republicans get into office I'll be lucky if I can find a part time job. After 15-20 minutes of arguing I said to him, "Dad, I'm not wrong in believing what I believe and neither are you, can't you just accept that?" Obviously he can't because I haven't talked to him since. I know Democrats, I know Republicans but I have never sat down with a Democrat and argued with them (except for my father) about how wrong they are because I'm a big believer in letting people be and believe in what they choose. Don't try to change my mind and I won't try to change yours. I never was one who tried to convert someone to my side of beliveing and I never will be. I will sit down and listen to what you have to say (this is about anything in life) because I'm interested in why you believe what you believe and I will take your thoughts and inputs into consideration, but in the end it really is up to me, I make the final decision.

All politicans are liars, we just have to choose the better liar.


On to other things.............

Only one more day of work and than I'm off for a long weekend (vacation Friday and Monday). My two girls, mom, Clarence and I are going to go to the Cranberry Festival in Warren, WI. It's a 3 day event of people from all over selling crafts and what nots. I don't go on Friday because my daughter is in school and I'm not going to take her out of school for that so when school is over my two girls and I will drive up to Wisconsin Dells and meet my mom and Clarence at our hotel. This year we're staying at Mt. Olympus; we always stayed at the Wilderness, but Mt Olympus has 70% off of their rooms so how could I deny that? Of course there's a water park there, but Ms. Addi will not like it, but McKenna should have fun. On Sunday they have a parade and some of the people throw candy to the kids on the sides and McKenna likes it so we go for that and after that we head home. This will be Addisons first time there so we'll see how she does. It's the car ride I'm not looking forward to, but I know before I leave I am going to have to adjust her carseat straps.

I believe I'm getting some of my energy back and I am so happy with that. When I got pregnant with Addison I lost all my energy. I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I could sleep all day and I felt like I haven't slept in a week. I would sit on the couch thinking of all the things I wanted to do, but I just couldn't do it. Well, Addison is 13 months old and I'm finally feeling some of that energy come back. I actually cleaned out part of my daughters closet tonight. That is just unheard of for me, especially on a week day when I have work the following day because on those days I just want to unwind and relax before I go back to work the next day.

I'm getting tired and I have to get up in about 6 hours. Only 8 more hours of work.

Until later.

Sept. 16, 2010

Wow, I'm on a roll here. 2 posts in 2 days.

I'm at work so, of course, I'm doing my thinking and I have so many thoughts going through my head, but when I sit here to jot them all down they somehow disappear into thin air.

I keep thinking about my oldest daughter and the possibility of her having a learning disability. Like I stated in my previous post, if that's what it is I'm ok with it, we'll get through it. What I'm having a hard time with is that I let it go on this long. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom and I know I'm not the perfect mom, I'm not the mom who cooks and bakes with her child (and that's only because I just can't stand the idea of cooking or baking). I want to be the mom that my child is never afraid to come to, the one who says to all her friends, my mom is the greatest. I want my daughters to never be afraid to come to me and talk about things, anything. Boys, school, prom, issues with friends....anything, anything at all. I will never say "I can't talk now, I'm busy"

I want to do so much with my girls and sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on so much with them because I work full-time. I have told my oldest daughter numerous times that she should never count on anyone to take care of her, she should be able to take care of herself. I want to lead by example. I have no issues with those moms who do get to stay home with their children. Kudos to you, but for me, it's not for me. I know me and I know that if I didn't work I would become this lazy, fat person who would sit on the couch eating and watching reality tv. By working I'm making myself get out and move about, plus I'm earning my own paycheck and showing my daughters that you can do whatever you want. Yes, things do get neglected and there are days when I get home and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I have to get up again, but that's my life. I always have time to hug and kiss them and tell them that I love them. I always have time to ask how their day was and to look over my daughters homework (even though I may not understand it) and I always find time to help her study for any upcoming tests or quizzes. Hell, I'm learning French right along with her this year, who would have thought? My me time is what gets neglected and I won't even mention how the laundry may not get done weeks at a time because that is one job I can choose to ignore forever. Sometimes I get upset that I have no me time, but that's no one faults. I sure don't take it out on my babies, they didn't ask to be here, I chose that for them. Besides, I tell myself there will be a time when my house is empty because my girls will be grown and on their own and I'll have all the"me time" I want but deep down I'll be missing them like crazy and wishing to turn the clock back just a few more years.

I love my girls and I know they have no idea how proud I am to be their mom. I love watching them sleep and I pray that they have no worries going through their heads. I can't stop them from ever feeling pain, but I hope I teach them well enough that whenever they may experience they know that they can always come to me. My arms will always be open to them.

Sept. 15, 2010

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bad mom. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough. Talking to a co-worker at work today about my oldest daughter and her issues with school he has put the thought in my head that maybe she has a learning disability. She's 11 years old, in the sixth grade, if she does have a learning disability how terrible am I for letting this go on this long? When we go over her homework (and it's been a long time since I've been in school and so much has changed) I get frustrated with her when I don't understand it and I ask her to explain it to me and she can't or she'll point to her answer and say it's right, my teacher told me, but I'll ask her again to explain it to me and all she'll say is that's what the teacher said. So, I'm going to look into her getting evaluated, I don't know how I'm going to do this but I know I have to do something. I love this girl, she owns half my heart (her sister owns the other half) and there's nothing on God's green earth I wouldn't do for either one of them. She's a good kid, she really is and it breaks my heart when I get frustrated and I yell at her. I don't want to yell, I don't want to get frustrated because really, it's not doing either one of us any good. I want the best for her, I want to give her the world. If she does have a learning disability I can handle that, we can work on that, but if it's not that ( and the more I think about it it just has to be that) I'll do whatever has to be done.

Sept. 13, 2010

I called into work today. On Saturday I must have pulled a muscle in my neck while sleeping. Dave had to help me get out of bed Saturday and Sunday morning. I thought I was feeling better by Sunday night, but during the night I could NOT lift my head up, I had to wake Dave up at one point to move Addison over, I just couldn't do it. I rolled myself out of bed at 5:00am to wash my hair and the pain that went through me as I had my head bent over was just terrible. I knew I couldn't go to work like that, how could I drive? I could hardly turn my head sideways. I woke Dave up at 6:30am and told him that he had to take McKenna to school because I was just too afraid to drive. Not to mention the killer headache I all of a sudden had to get this morning. I took 2 aspirins and waited and waited and nothing was happening so two hours later I took 2 more aspirins and the headache finally went away. My neck is feeling better and I know that I will have to go to work tomorrow whether I like it or not. I really do hate calling into work, I really do. I know they count on you to be there and besides, what I don't use for my personal time they pay me for it in January, so by the end of October I will have 2 of my 5 days spent. Oh well, I'm there 99.9% of the time anyway, what is one day? Like Dave said "You have to take care of yourself, your job won't", but it still doesn't make for the guilty feeling to go away.

Saturday Dave and I took McKenna to the library because they had a scavengar hunt there for the kids and it was fun doing that and she enjoyed it. When she completed it they gave her a pencil and a bookmarker for doing it. We took Addison, also and it was kind of funny because one little boy told me that Addison is a cute little girl. I was just kind of taken back because another child told me that and it was a boy. It was sweet of him to say that. His mom is doing a great job with him.

44 days before we leave for Disney World, now we have to pay for it (Yuck!) Addison's first trip on the airplane. I hope she's ok with it. I'm kind of getting excited for it because it's going to be my last trip there for a while. I did tell mom that the next time we go I want it to be just my girls and me. I have to call AAA to pay for our trip because you have to pay the balance within 45 days of your trip and noone has called me to do that. I don't want to lose out on my reservations.

My oldest daughter this morning said to me "Now I have to worry about you today while I'm at school" and I told her that she does not have to worry about me, that I'll be ok. She is such a mother hen and she has a heart of gold. God loves her and so do I. Oh, yes, I get angry with her, but my love for her (and her sister) grow more and more each day. I love being a mother.

Well, that's it for now. I just have to download my one picture per entry now.

September 5, 2010

Dear McKenna,

I wrote you a letter and I put it in a card for you and I gave it to you while we celebrated your first day of middle school. I wrote how proud I was to be your mother, how my heart is bursting with pride and how I must let you open your wings and let you fly, but to always know that when you were ready to land there was always going to be a place for you. Your first day went well, actually your first 3 days have gone well. I am so happy about that.

I told you today that this year I am going to push you, I am going to be there pushing you along. You need me to push because you are not the type to push yourself. You have 3 years left and off to high school you go. I want so much for you, McKenna. I want you to be someone, I want you to have better than me and maybe you won't like my pushing, but I can't help but think that you will thank me later in life for that push. Your dad and I took you to the library today and we made you take out two books, one you picked out yourself so you could read it to me and the other book we made you pick out about the 50 states. That one is to help you learn about them. I made you write down all 50 states and their capitals on a piece of paper. I know, it's a terrible thing for me to make you do on a Saturday, but it is my way of pushing you. You're 11 years old, you should know your states and I'm going to help you learn about them. This, I'm hoping, will help you with your reading and your writing. You hate reading (which I have such a hard time understanding because I could read all day if given the opportunity), but I keep telling you there are 3 things you need to be able to do in life; read, write and math. We can do this, McKenna, we can do it together.


You are a wonderful daughter, you're beautiful inside and out and I just pray that you always stay that way. Don't EVER let anyone change you.

Love you now and forever,

Mom
xoxo

August 30, 2010

My oldest daughter will be entering middle school on Wednesday, Sept. 1, 2010. A new chapter in her life and mine. Her and I went to her school last week to get her schedule, pay the fees, check out her classroom, find her locker and put all her supplies in them. I can honestly say I am not ready for this, I am not ready for this next chapter, but I will try to remain strong and not let her see how it's breaking my heart that the little girl I once knew has grown into a mini version of me. School is not easy for her, but as long as her and I are together the two of us can do it together. Last year it felt like I was back in school again relearning everything I did back in the day. I don't know how many times I went to the computer to look things up to see exactly what her homework meant, now on Wednesday we will began that all over again. Some parents are happy when their children go back to school, I am not one of those parents. I love when my girl is out of school.

Fall is approaching and it is my favorite time of the year. I love the change of color in the leaves, I love the cool crisp days, I love the decorations for Halloween. I love the idea that I plan to make caramel apples with my girls for the first time. I know I could do it now, but something about doing them as the leaves are falling from the trees and we're bundled up in sweaters just makes it seem more fun to me. I can't wait to take Addison to her first pumpkin patch this year and see which pumpkin calls out to her and she insists on having. I love fall.

I want to do more as a family, but I can never think of what to do, that is my problem, I have no imagination and it really bothers me. I want to go away with just my girls. Lock ourselves up in a hotel for the night, order pizza and watch tv and when I mention this to my family somehow they invite themselves and now I'm looking into going away with them. I want to make memories for my girls, I want to start traditions and as much as I want it I never do anything about it. I love my family and I'm glad that I have them, but sometimes I just want to make memories for my girls with just me and them. Life moves so quickly and I don't want to miss a second of it.

At the end of October Addison will be making her first trip in a airplane; we're going to Disney World to celebrate my birthday and because I want to go and check out their Halloween party and decorations. I'm excited to go, but I'm afraid of how Addison will be on the plane. I hope everything is ok and she enjoys it. Honestly, I hope she sleeps on the flight and it's smooth flying for us. Addison has learned how to scream for what she wants so I hope we can keep her entertained because I'm sure those on the plane are not going to be too happy with a screaming baby.

Well, this has been a rambling entry and now I must go.

Until next time.

August 21, 2010

I've been at my job for 15 years now and I like my job. I have no real complaints but just like anything else in life when you keep doing the same thing over and over again it becomes mundane. I could do my job blindfolded and yes, there are days that I go "I just don't want to do this anymore" I would love a little variety, but it pays me well and I like the people I work with. The only problem for me, at least, is that because I could do this job blindfolded I tend to drift away and spend a lot of my time thinking. I do way too much thinking at work and it drives me crazy. I spend very little time thinking at home and I'm more relaxed when I'm not thinking constantly. Sometimes when I'm thinking I get mad, other times I get excited and sometimes the lightbulb turns on and I go "oh yeah". There have been times when I think that I want to do something and I'm all excited about it but because I'm at work and I over analyze it I realize that maybe it's not such a good idea. Thinking is a good thing, but sometimes it just drives me crazy. I want to do so much while I'm at work and I always say when I get home I'm going to do this or I'm going to do that, but the minute I get home I forget or I just don't want to do it. I think my problem with that is I drive 40 minutes home, my body relaxes. For the most part at work I'm either standing or walking and so when I'm sitting in my car for that 40 minute drive home my body must say "oh, I'm sitting now, I can relax" and than I end up at my mom's house for dinner and to pick up the girls so I usually don't get home until an hour and a half after I get home. So, everything I thought about at work, everything I wanted to do goes to the wayside and nothing happens and the very next day the thinking begans all over again.

I can not believe that in a week and a half my oldest child is going to be entering middle school. Where has the time gone? Middle school....the next step to high school. I'm not ready for this, can't we just stop time for just a short bit and let me enjoy her being my little girl just a little longer. For goodness sakes, she's almost a teenager. I'M NOT READY FOR THIS. Enjoy your children when they're young and still need you, because one day you look at them, really look at them and they are a mini version of you in a grown up body. I'm going to surprise her on her first day of school, I bought her a cake that will be shaped like Ryan Brauns jersey with his number and name on it and they're going to put on it "Welcome to middle school, McKenna" I am such a cool mom. My mom is than going to make her favorite dinner for her (hamburgers) and hopefully that should be the start of a good school year for her.

Summer is quickly coming to a close and Fall is right around the corner. I love Fall, it's my favorite season. I love watching the leaves change color and the brisk cool air arrives and after this sweltering heat we had this summer it's going to be a welcome blessing. I'm excited that this year Addison can go to her first pumpkin patch and pick out a pumpkin. I can't wait to make caramel apples (with sprinkles) for the first time with my girls. I just love Fall. I love the Halloween decorations and not to mention Fall is when I celebrate my birthday. I always love it when I reach another birthday because than I know that God had given me a whole, complete year to live my life. To do something meaningful, just to enjoy life, enjoy being a mom to my girls. Thank you God.

This year I received an extra week of vacation at work (I'm now up to 4 weeks) and I knew just how I was going to use that extra week. I was going to go to Disney World and I was going to do it for my birthday. I was going to celebrate my 40th birthday at Disney World. I wanted to go there during the Fall just to see the decorations (Disney never does anything small) and from what I did see in how they decorate, I just can't wait to see it in person. I'm going to go to their Halloween party at Magic Kingdom, too. The tickets are bought for the party, the reservations are made (and will soon be paid for), the airline tickets are bought, so now we just have to go. 67 more days to go. I hope it's a good trip. I hope Addison does fine on her first airplane ride. Think positive and only positive things can happen.

I have rambled enough for now. Until next time.

August 8, 2010

What a beautiful weekend we had to celebrate my little ones 1st birthday. We chose to go to a waterpark because the whole family enjoys it, but of course, the birthday girl would have nothing to do with the water. She HATES the water. She'll play in a tub of water just as long as she's not in it. Don't even think of putting her in the bathtub or a swimming suit so she can play in the kid area, she will have none of it. She hates water getting on her face and she becomes a very upset baby. So, what did we do?? We already made the reservations for next year at the same place for her birthday. I have only 12 months to get her use to the water and realize that it's our friend. It was a relaxing weekend and I'm glad that we went.

I just can not believe that a whole 12 months have gone by since Addison was born, it really has gone by fast. From a little girl who spent 8 days in the NICU to a walking, temper tantrum, beautiful, smiling girl. I have been blessed with her and her big sister. I am one lucky mom and I don't thank God nearly enough for giving me these two beautiful children.

My little Addison has learned how to throw temper tantrums now when she doesn't get what she wants so when that happens I softly lay her on the ground and let her go with it. Of course, right now they don't last long because when I walk away she must realize that it's not going to work and she's done with it. I'm sure that as she gets older they will become longer, but my plan is to snip that in the bud real quick. Temper tantrums are just one of the things I will not accept. It's part of her growing up and seeing how much she can get away with it. I'll tell her, like I have told her older sister, that you will get much more out of me when you behave than when you don't and though I know it's not always easy being good, it will always pay off in the end.

She went to the doctor on Friday for her 1 year check up and she's 17 pounds 8 oz. She's only in the 5 percentile of weight but the 50 percentile for her height, she's my petite little lady. I hope she stays petite. She is now off her formula (though we still have a canister left) and I have her drinking whole milk and now she can eat anything we do, within reason of course and she does like her grown up food so much better than her baby food. It's like she knows now that she doesn't need that baby food and she refuses to eat it, even her cereal, which is one of the things she loved the most.

Well, that is all for now.

August 5, 2010

Addison~

One year ago today, you graced us with your presence and I have felt blessed ever since. One year ago today, you came into my life and changed it forever. One year ago today I became a mother of two beautiful daughters and I finally felt complete. Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet, Addison.

I can not even began to explain how much I love you. I waited a real long time for you, but the wait was worth it. My pregnancy from hell was worth it. I ask myself, would you go through that all over again and as happy as I am that it is all over with I can't help but answer yes to that question, because no matter how irritating being pregnant was, in the end I got you. Being pregnant was only temporary, being your mom is for a lifetime.

One year ago today, I was in the hospital, unable to get out of bed because of my ceaseran and you were in the NICU, but today, 12 months later, you are asleep in my bed as I'm sitting here writing this. So much has changed in a years time and all of it is for the better.

You are no longer the little baby who could only lay where I put you or eat when I gave you the bottle, you are my big girl now. You can walk and if I go somewhere without you, all I have to do is look around and you are on your own two feet walking toward me. I no longer have to hold your bottle for you to get your nourishment, you can hold that bottle yourself.

We celebrated your birthday by getting your pictures taken, eating at your grandma and grandpa's house and giving you your very own (cup)cake. It took you a minute or two to figure out what to do but when you did you had a blast with it. How you cried when I took it away from you and than I gave it back to you because it is your birthday and you should have everything you want, especially on your birthday.

Happy Birthday, my kittle one, may each and every day be as bright and as beautiful as you are.

Mom

Letter to my youngest daughter

To my youngest daughter, Addison,

I love you, I love you with all my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you or your sister. I waited a long time for you, but God wasn't ready for you to enter into my life just yet. He knew what he was doing and he made me learn how to be patient.

Your sister and you are 10 years apart and some people may say that it's a huge age difference and maybe it is, but in the 11 months that you have graced us with your presence I see the love you and your sister have for each other. I see the smile on your face and in your eyes when your sister comes near you and I see that same look in her face, also. Your sister was never meant to be an only child and I am so happy that I was able to give you to her.

It was a bumpy road when you were first born (you were born a month early, you suffered from juandice and you had reflux issues that when it hit you were inconsolable until it passed and knowing that there was nothing I could do during that time broke my heart each time) but I knew that we would get through that stage and that it was only a stage and because God taught me how to be patient I was patient during that time and look at you now. 2 1/2 weeks before you turn a year old and I can't imagine living my life without you.

You're a momma's girl and you demand my time, but I know that you are my last child and once these stages pass I will never experience them again and so I'm trying to enjoy each one. I want to make memories for you, I want you to have a happy childhood. I want so much for you and I hope that I can give you everything that you need but not without learning that this world we live in isn't free and that we must work hard for it.

I sit and wonder what will you look like when you're a teenager, what college will you go to, what kind of music will you listen to, what hobbies will you enjoy doing? Will you be my ballet kind of girl or are you going to be the sports fanatic like your sister? Whatever it is, Addison, I hope that I'm there to watch it all happen and I can promise you it will be with a smile on my face.

You've come so far in your 11 months I can't wait to see what the rest has to hold.

I love you today, tomorrow and always.

Mom

A letter to my oldest daughter

Dear McKenna,

I've been called many things in my life, I'm a daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, and friend, but you, my dear, you gave me the best name anyone could ever be bestowed upon and that's "mom". I love being your mom, you make it so easy. From day one you have been an easy going child and 11 years later it still holds true. Don't ever change your attitude on life. You never see the bad in anything, always the good and that's just one of the things I adore about you. You are always there to lend a hand and help out.

I look at you, when you're not aware, and I wonder "what happened?" Didn't I just give birth to you? You're my first born, you gave me the best job ever, YOU made me a mom and now you're almost a teenager and I sit there, as I'm staring at you, wondering when did I fall asleep and why did I wake up to a tween? I look at your baby pictures every now and than and I don't see that precious, beautiful little girl, I see my daughter who is almost as tall as me looking back at me, still precious and beautiful but you're almost as tall as me and you're a photocopy of me.

I didn't know anything about being a mother when I was pregnant with you, but you taught me so much. You taught me how to look at life through a child's eye and it became so much more fun. Thank you for teaching me it's not all about work and paying bills, it's about forgetting them once in awhile and getting down on the floor and playing with those really cool toys of yours, like playing house and making up stories and using your stuffed animals as your cast of characters, looking at the clouds and pointing to them saying "hey, that one looks like a duck". McKenna, I can not say it enough so I will say it again, I love being your mom.

I know that there are times that I can be hard on you, but I hope that as you get older you realize that I only did it because I love you and nothing else. I know what you're capable of doing and I want so much for you to succeed in life. I want so much more for you, I want you to have what I didn't. I want you to look back on your life and say "Thanks, mom" I want you to call me up when you have you're own family and say "now I understand, mom"

Thank you, McKenna, for letting me be your mom.

I love you today, tomorrow and always.

Mom

July 10, 2010

Today is my company's picnic and they always have it at our zoo. The last few years they have had it at the zoo they do it after the zoo is closed for the day. I like this for 2 reasons...1) The zoo is not so crowded because it only contains the people that work at my company and 2) it's at night so it's not so incredibly hot. All the food you can eat with unlimited cotton candy (absolutely the best and my favorite), ice cream, nachos, soda and corn on the cob.

Today will be Addison's first trip to the zoo so I'm excited to see what she thinks of it. She's only 11 months old but she does have a mind of her own. McKenna's favorite animal is the elephant and mine are the cats, what will Addison's favorite animal turn out to be?

It's so fun watching Addison learn new things and some of the things she shows you makes you wonder how she came up with that. All of a sudden she now shakes her head "no". Ask her any yes or no question and you are guaranteed a shake of the head no and she always has a smile while doing it. She now gives you kisses if you ask for it, but if she doesn't want to, believe me when I say no matter how much you plead with her for one small kiss you're not going to get one. She is my handful girl, but I wouldn't have it any other way, she is who she is and I love her for it. She always has a smile on her face and a laugh coming out of her precious mouth except for when she's hungry. She has been in our lives for 11 months and she has yet to learn that little word "patience" when it comes to getting her food or bottle ready. She than becomes the screaming kid of our town when she wants to be fed and her food isn't ready.

I have so much to say and yet when I sit down here I forget everything. Maybe I'll make a list on what I want to talk about at the end of each entry and when I come back I can read it and go "oh yeah, let me talk about that"

The weekend getaway for us girls are not coming along as well as I would like because all the hotels I look up are either ridiculously expensive or there are no rooms available, but I will not give up because when McKenna said to me one night that she was so excited for this little getaway how could I possibly not make it happen.

Topics I want to talk about....

Disney World

Document my pregnancy with Addison.

July 5, 2010

It's now 20 minutes to midnight and I know that I should be in bed, but I know when the sun rises I will only have to head off to work and so sometimes I just stop myself from going to bed and yet tomorrow I know as I'm driving into work I will be yawning and wondering why I thought staying up was such a great idea. I like my job, I enjoy working with the people I work with and I love knowing that I am capable of taking care of myself and not having to depend on anyone else, but than there are times I just want to stay home one more day.

We did nothing special today. Did some laundry, but not all of it, vaccummed the house and washed the dishes. Mom made bar-b-ques and brought it over for dinner tonight. I'm not a cook, I dispise cooking, I want nothing to do with it, what would I do if I didn't have my mom?

Little Addison is such a momma's girl that it can drive me crazy at times, but deep down I just smile and want to yell to the world "she wants me, she wants only me." I can't do anything without her crawling to me and wanting to be held and though my house isn't spotless, I still have to do something and I end up listening to her cry until someone takes her away long enough so I can finish the dishes or vacumming the carpet and when I'm done and before I can start the next project she's thrown back in my arms because all she'll do is cry "momma!" I love that girl and I love her big sister. I tell my oldest daughter that she will never understand how much love I have for her until she becomes a mother herself. You really have no idea how much love you are capable of having until you have a child. I love being a mother, best damn job any woman could ever have.

I have always said that I wanted to start a tradition with my girls, I want to do something that when I'm old and my girls are grown they can tell their children that my mom and I did this.... and yet my oldest daughter is 11 years old and I have yet to come up with something. I think I finally thought of something. I think for just one weekend during the summer my girls and I will take a little drive to some town, pick a hotel to stay in and do whatever we want, doesn't matter what we do, whether it's order pizza and watch movies in our hotel room or walk in that towns downtown area browsing through the glass windows. Just as long as we're together it's going to be magical. Now, I have to figure out what weekend it will be (I would love to do it before school starts) because McKenna and I have baseball games to go to on the weekends. There just has to be one weekend opened for us. 11 years is long enough wondering what to do and what tradition can I start. I can't wait to start making memories with my girls.

Well, I have to go, sleep is going to win, I can't stay up much longer.

Until next time.

The 4th of July

The 4th of July. Happy birthday America. The land that I love. Whenever I go to the baseball games with my daughter and we sing the National Anthem I will always get tears in my eyes. I am so proud of this country that I live in.

I'm celebrating the 4th with some of my family. My daughters, their dad and my parents. We're going to bar-b-que, have a few drinks and just enjoy each others company. My youngest daughter, who is 11 months, will play in her pool splashing around (after the nap she decided to take).

Maybe tonight, if we're lucky, we will see some of the fireworks while sitting in my backyard.

I hope everyone has a safe and relaxing 4th.