Feb. 13, 2011

It's been awhile and it's not like I have nothing to say, it's just too hard to come on here and write with my 18 month old.

The Packers won Super Bowl XLV and I just can't believe it. I never expected them to go to the Super Bowl and as a six seed in the NFC they get through it all and win. Way to go, Packers!!

Every once in awhile I will start thinking of the births of my girls. I was 28 when McKenna was born and 38 when Addison was born. When I was pregnant with McKenna it was a normal pregnancy. I had morning sickness, but nothing else. I went about my 9 months relatively easy. It was only toward the last few weeks of my pregnancy that I finally said, "this is enough, if she doesn't come soon I'm going to pull her out myself?" I had my first contraction at 7:10pm on my drive home from work (my first thought was, if this is what labor is like I'm ok with it-it was my first pregnancy and what did I know) I went to my mom's, told her to get ready because I knew this was it. My mom and I went to my house, I took a shower, got my bag ready, called the doctors office and was told to go to the hospital. (All day I was leaking fluid and was told that it was probably my mucus plug-again, first pregnancy, didn't know anything). I even drove myself to the hospital and that was about 30 minutes away. Got into my room I believe around 10:00pm that night. When the contractions became too much I asked for an epidural and after that everything was wonderful, I felt absolutely no pain, but about 6:30am that morning I was told to push and for 20 minutes I pushed and at 6:50am my first born, my daughter, the girl who made me a mom was born. I may not have felt any pain after the epidural, but I was involved in her birth and I loved it. 10 years later I get pregnant with my second child, I was happy because I always wanted 2 children, I wasn't happy with just one, I always pictured myself with 2 children. Of course I was going to start over again, but I didn't care, I was going to have my 2nd child. Of course this pregnancy was totally different, I said early on in my pregnancy that these 2 children were going to be the total opposite. I rarely got sick (I threw up a handful of times), but I was tired all.the.time. I still don't know how I went to work every.single.day, I am still amazed by it after all this time. However, this pregnancy I developed diabetes, I lost weight, I didn't gain weight, they had me on high blood pressure medicine and I was going to the doctor every week alot sooner than you normally go. I had ultrasounds every week and the doctor told me that I would not go past her due date which was Sept. 3. During one of my many ultrasounds I was told that if she fell below the 10 percentile I would have to give birth because it would be better for her to be born than. That day came on August 3, 2009. I remember sitting in the room waiting for the doctor and her first words to me as she walked in the room was " You're going to have the baby this Wednesday, the placenta is no longer giving her any nutrients " My baby fell below the 10 percentile and as afraid as I was to have a cesarean I knew I had to do it for my girl. We had to be there about 5:30am to get ready for the surgery. I remember walking to the operating room, I remember them putting the epidural in and laying down on the table and them strapping me to the table. I remember hearing the nurses count the instruments (and there were a lot of them) I remember feeling cold and yet they had blankets on me, I remember shaking and going through the dry heaves as the drug doctor held the bowl for me to throw up in. I faintly remember the sheet that was in front of me. I remember Dave sitting next to me and I remember staring at the machine that showed my stats. I remember laying there wondering when they were going to start because I hated laying on that table with my arms strapped to it and all I wanted was to get out of there and see my baby. I remember wondering where is my doctor, why isn't she here. I remember here a sucking sound and my doctor telling me that it was a machine sucking the water and I remember thinking "Wow, they already have me cut open and I didn't feel anything" What I don't remember arethe contractions, the fingers checking how far dialated I was, hearing the nurse or doctor telling me to push as they counted to 10, I don't remember any of that because I didn't get to experience that with my second daughter and it's been 18 months since she was born and I still feel like I missed out on all of that. I have given birth both ways and I would never want to experience a ceasarean again because everything is taken away from you. As a woman we are suppose to be a part of giving birth to our children, that was my job, but it was taken away from me and I missed it. I love my daughter and I'm grateful she's here and I would do it all again if I had to and I knew it was the best for her because I can only imagine what would have happened if I didn't have her when I did, but I feel robbed with her birth. The doctor did everything, I just laid strapped to that table. I feel cheated.